A Secret Wish Read online

  She walked over to him. “That kiss felt like yesterday, Alex.”

  “But it’s not yesterday. It’s tonight, and tomorrow you’ll go back to your life. Isn’t that right?”

  She was tempted to say no, but she was a realist. “Yes, that’s right. But my life won’t be the same now.”

  “I don’t think you’ll let one kiss derail your plans,” he said dryly.

  “I wouldn’t have before tonight. But ever since I saw my humongous birthday cake with enough candles to start a three-alarm fire, I’ve been questioning everything about myself. I locked away the past so it wouldn’t distract me, but the past is right in front of my face now, and I’m not so sure where I’m going to go from here.”

  “You? The girl who was always certain of her destiny?”

  “Ironic, I know.”

  “What do you want, Carly?”

  She searched for the right words. “I want to be happy.”

  “And what will make you happy?”

  “Would it scare you if I said you?” she asked daringly, wondering how she could really make that happen. She was married. She had children. She was forty years old. She couldn’t toss everything away for a man. Hell, when she was eighteen, she hadn’t been able to throw everything away for Alex.

  “It would scare me if you really meant it,” he said, meeting her gaze. “But you don’t. I didn’t belong in your world twenty years ago, and I don’t belong there now.”

  “You’re not some loser, Alex. I don’t think of you that way.”

  “Why? Because now you know I own a bar?”

  “I never thought of you that way.”

  “Of course you did, Carly. You didn’t think I could give you the life you wanted, so you bailed on us.”

  “Because you didn’t want that life,” she snapped. “You wanted exactly what you got. You were just as stubborn as I was only in a different way.”

  “Even if that’s true, I know that tonight is just a moment of temporary insanity for you – a sweet trip down memory lane, where you remember the good stuff and none of the bad.”

  “Believe me I have not forgotten the bad,” she said. “I did not have the great family that you did.”

  “I know your father’s abuse left a scar, but you did have a pretty good mom, even if she wasn’t well educated, sophisticated, or rich.”

  “You make me sound so shallow.”

  “I’m just stating the facts. Tomorrow you’ll go back to your real life, and tonight will be just another memory that you’ll eventually lock away again.”

  “What if I don’t want that life anymore?” she asked, voicing the doubts that had been plaguing her for more than just a night.

  “I’d be shocked if that were true.”

  “I’ve been feeling restless for years. Tonight was just the tipping point.”

  “Then make a change. But don’t involve me. I can’t let you back in, Carly. I know you too well. Tomorrow you’ll wake up, and your husband will kiss you, probably buy you an expensive diamond necklace to make up for whatever he’s been doing, and you’ll move right along with your life.”

  “Do you think I can be bought with a diamond necklace?” she asked, a little hurt by his words, even though she couldn’t deny that Blake’s generosity with money was one of the things she loved about him.

  “You tell me.”

  “I can’t – not anymore. I’ll admit that I wanted money when I was younger. I wanted the big house, and the rich husband, the clothes, and the vacations. I wanted my kids to have more than I had. And I did everything I could to make that happen. But I never realized that those things don’t make a family. You can love them, but they don’t love you back. I’m lonely, Alex. I have this hole in my soul, and it gets worse every year.”

  “Then leave him. Change your life. You have the guts, and you have the money. What’s stopping you?”

  “I’m afraid of walking away and finding out the hole is still there.”

  Alex stepped forward and tilted up her chin with his fingers. “That’s the smartest thing you’ve ever said. Because no matter where you go, how much money you make, how many expensive dinners you eat, you can’t escape from yourself. And until you figure out a way to be both Carly and Carole, you’re never going to be complete.”

  She caught her breath, his words striking deep and hard. She’d never thought of herself as two people, but wasn’t that exactly who she was? Wasn’t her life divided into halves? “How do you know me so well?”

  “Because, God help me, I’ve always loved you – all of you, the good, the bad, the confused…”

  “Why didn’t you ever come after me, Alex? Why didn’t you fight for me?”

  He shook his head. “It wouldn’t have done any good. You were and always have been one stubborn woman.” He kissed her hard on the lips. “Go home, Carly. Go back to your life and make yourself happy. I have every confidence you can do it.”

  “What about you? What are you going to do?”

  “I’m already happy.”

  She smiled at his simple, blunt statement, hearing nothing but truth in his words. But then, Alex had never needed that much. “I’m glad, Alex. Really I am. I never wanted to hurt you, even though I know I did.”

  “You were on a quest. And you did well for yourself.” He met her gaze. “You can be Carly, you know. She wasn’t so bad. In fact, she could be a lot of fun when she wasn’t worrying so much about controlling every aspect of her life. Maybe your kids and husband need to get to know her.”

  “I can’t imagine what they’d think.”

  “It’s time to find out.”

  “Thanks, Alex.” She turned to leave, then paused. “You still owe me a birthday cake. One of these days, I’m going to collect.”

  * * *

  Carole didn’t go home; she went to pick up her mother from work. Nora looked tired and worn out as she slid into the limo.

  “I wasn’t sure you’d really come,” Nora said.

  “I wouldn’t leave you to find a ride at one in the morning.”

  “Well, I figured you’d send someone,” her mother said with a cynical note in her voice.

  Before tonight’s events, she probably would have done just that. “You look exhausted. Why don’t you use the money I sent you and quit this job?”

  “Your aunt needs the help.”

  “Then give her the money and let her hire someone else.”

  “Don’t worry about it, Carly. I’m fine.”

  “You always told me that – even when I found you with a bloody nose and a gash on your head from where Dad knocked you into the cabinets. But you weren’t fine then, and you aren’t now.”

  Nora gave her a disbelieving look. “It’s a little late to care, isn’t it? I’ve been doing just fine on my own the last ten years.”

  “I should have contacted you before now. I feel badly about all the time that’s passed. In the beginning I was just so mad at you, I couldn’t pick up the phone, and then the years went by, and we were always busy with Blake’s family, and it seemed safer to leave you out of the equation.”

  “Well, at least you’re being honest.” Nora paused as the limo stopped in front of her building. “Thanks for the ride.”

  “I’m coming up,” she said. “I didn’t wait around all night just to give you a ride.”

  Nora gave her a thoughtful look and then shrugged. “It’s your call.”

  “I won’t need you again tonight,” she told the limo driver. “Thanks.”

  She followed her mother upstairs and into the apartment. While her mother used the restroom, she moved into the kitchen and checked the refrigerator and cupboards. She was hungry. She’d barely eaten at the party, and her stomach was rumbling. As her gaze lit on a familiar package of cookies, she couldn’t help smiling. She pulled them out, along with a carton of milk, and set them on the kitchen table. Then she grabbed two glasses. She’d just finished pouring the milk when her mother came back into the room.

&
nbsp; “Oreos and milk – your favorite treat,” Nora said, giving her a sad smile.

  “And still yours apparently.”

  “I can’t seem to shake it.”

  She sat at the table as Nora did the same. Pulling out a cookie, she dipped it halfway into the milk and then took a bite. It tasted delicious but along with the sweet chocolate came a host of memories, all the times they’d shared cookies and milk and heart-to-heart conversations. Before she’d become a bratty, rebellious teenager, they’d been fairly close.

  “Why did we ever stop this?” she murmured.

  “You went on a diet in high school and said the cookies were too fattening,” Nora replied.

  “Did you hate me when I was a teenager?”

  “You were a challenge, but I always loved you. Do you have cookies and milk with your kids?”

  She shook her head, heaviness settling around her heart. “I think the nanny used to.”

  “Well, I’m sure you do other things with them.”

  “I’m not a very good mother,” she confessed. “I’ve made a lot of mistakes.”

  “All mothers do. Lord knows I screwed up a bunch of times."

  “I shouldn’t have been so hard on you.”

  “I let you down, Carly. I know that. And it wasn’t just on your thirtieth birthday that I made a fool of myself; I screwed up long before that. You’re not the only one who regrets the past.”

  She looked into her mother’s eyes, so similar to her own, and felt a wave of emotion. “You used to say it was you and me against the world.”

  “It used to feel that way. It wasn’t easy raising you when your dad was around. He could be sweet and then so damn mean. After he left, it was safer, but it was harder without his income. I wanted you to have all the things you wanted, but I just didn’t know how to give them to you. I didn’t have your smarts, your will, or your determination. I’m proud of you, Carly. Proud of everything you’ve accomplished. Maybe you were able to get to where you are now because you let me go.” She took a breath. “I used to tell myself that to make myself feel better.”

  Carole let out a sigh, realizing how much she’d hurt her mother. She’d always justified her behavior by saying her mother deserved it.

  “You deserved more than my silence,” she said. “You did your best to make things right for me, and I do have happy memories. I just don’t like to admit that. But tonight I had an epiphany. I looked around a crowded ballroom and realized that no one there really knew me. My kids took off before I blew out the candles. Blake only participated because it was a great networking event. I knew something had to change, and that something was me.”

  “So you came home.”

  “I wanted to see you. I wanted to remember what I’d tried so hard to forget.”

  “And now?”

  “I want to do better. I don’t know exactly how.”

  “No twelve-point plan? That’s so unlike you.”

  She acknowledged her mother’s knowing smile. “No plan – not yet, anyway. But one thing I know for sure. I want you to be a part of my life.”

  “I’d like that very much. What about Blake?”

  “He’ll have to deal.”

  “Now, that sounds like my Carly.”

  “It does, doesn’t it?” she said, feeling a wave of new energy. “I can do it. I can change my life. I’m forty. I’m starting a new decade. I think it’s going to be a good one.”

  “I do, too. So what did you do tonight while you were waiting for me?” Nora asked.

  She smiled, knowing that her mother was the only person to whom she could tell the truth. “Well, I kissed Alex.”

  Her mother choked on her cookie and started coughing.

  “Are you all right?” she asked.

  “I don’t think I heard you right.”

  “I should be sorry, but I’m not. It woke me up.”

  Her mother gave her a worried look. “You need to be careful, Carly. You have a lot to lose.”

  “I know. But I realized tonight that I’ve been trying so hard not to lose what I have that I didn’t realize I’d already lost a lot.”

  Nora sighed. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

  “I haven’t figured out what I’m doing yet. But I know where I need to start.”

  Chapter Nine

  Liz gazed up at the stars in amazement. Tonight seemed to be a night of stunning views, first from the roof of the hospital, then from Potrero Hill, and now from a boat in the Marina. Away from the city lights, there was an endless array of stars, and along with those sparkling lights came a feeling of anticipation.

  Lowering her gaze from the night sky, she called to John, “Did you get lost?”

  “Be right there,” he yelled back.

  She settled against soft, billowing pillows on a bench seat at the back of the boat. She’d imagined something small with a big sail, not this luxurious yacht with a large stateroom down below and a fully stocked galley. John’s friend obviously had some money.

  John came up the stairs and set a tray on the table in front of her. Two steaming cups of coffee greeted her as well as a small plate of chocolates.

  “More food?” she said with a groan. “I’m definitely going to need that diet resolution after tonight.”

  “Hey, it’s your birthday.”

  “We passed from my birthday to yours a few hours ago. Speaking of which–" She reached into her bag and pulled out the card she’d purchased earlier. She handed to him. “For you.”

  “This is what you got at the store?” he asked as he opened the envelope. He read the sentiment and laughed. “Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.” He grinned at her. “Are you saying I’m not a grown up?”

  “I’m saying I hope you don’t ever lose your spirit. Your joy in living is contagious, John. If that makes you Peter Pan, then I’ll be Wendy. Because when I’m with you, I feel like I’m flying.” She put her hands on his shoulders and gazed into his eyes, seeing the same glitter of desire that she was feeling – but he was fighting it. “What’s wrong?”

  “I don’t want you to have regrets.”

  “I won’t,” she said with a certainty that surprised even her. “I want this. I want you. You’re my birthday wish.”

  He shook his head. “You didn’t wish for me.”

  “Didn’t I?” she murmured. “You showed up at just the right time.” She frowned. “Why are you resisting? Aren’t you the man who lives for new experiences? I could be fantastic in bed.”

  He grinned. “I’m sure you would be. But I don’t want to hurt you. You’re not a hook-up kind of girl.”

  “I’m not asking you for anything. No promises. No plans. Nothing.”

  “It’s easy to say that now…”

  “Now is all that matters. Who knows what the future will bring? But we have tonight. I’ve been cautious too long.” She pressed her lips against his mouth, then said, “Let’s fly."

  His arms came around her waist, pulling her up sharply against his body. The easygoing man who’d been so charming and lighthearted suddenly seemed intense and even a little dark. But she wanted his intensity. She wanted the sudden emotion swirling between them, because no matter what she’d said, this wasn’t just a hook-up. She wanted to get past John’s barriers the way he’d gotten past hers. She wanted to connect on a deep, emotional level. She wanted to fall in love.

  * * *

  Angela stared at the half-finished paintings in the room across the hall from where the girls slept. She hadn’t been able to paint anything to completion in almost three years. It was as if her subconscious refused to put an end to anything – including her dream of having a baby.

  She stepped up to the easel, tracing the lines with the tip of her finger. Her last effort had been this landscape. It had come out of a dream like so many of her pictures – a beautiful park, a tranquil pond, a couple of ducks by the waterfall, and in the distance a playground, a baby stroller… She drew in a breath and let it out. T
hat was where she’d stopped. She hadn’t been able to finish, because there was no baby in that stroller and there was a good chance there never would be.

  The door behind her opened, and she whirled around in surprise. While it wasn’t a hard and fast rule, in recent years she’d made it pretty clear to Colin that she didn’t want him in her studio. He’d been hurt at first, because he’d always supported her art, but after seeing her half-finished paintings, he’d been happy enough to leave. They’d just reminded him how stuck she was when it came to anything that distracted her from her dream of having a child.

  It wasn’t Colin in the doorway; it was Kimmie.

  “Honey, are you all right?” she asked quickly.

  Kimmie held her bear in one hand while she rubbed her eye with the other. “I woke up.”

  “Do you need something to drink?”

  She shook her head as she walked toward the painting. “This is pretty. Did you draw it?”

  “I did.”

  Kimmie tilted her head. “How come there aren’t any people in it?”

  “It’s not done yet,” she said.

  “Maybe you could put me in the picture,” Kimmie suggested.

  "That's a good idea."

  “Laurel doesn’t let me go to the park. She says we have to stay in the house while Mommy is gone.”

  “Your sister is very smart. You should listen to her.”

  “But I like the swings, and all the other kids go to the park. Maybe Mommy will take me when she comes back.”

  The hope in Kimmie’s voice made Angela sad. The little girl might still have faith in her mother now, but how long would it take for her to lose that faith? It was clear that Laurel had already lost hope. She hated to see that happen to Kimmie, too.

  “If my mom doesn’t come back, maybe you could take us,” Kimmie added. A sudden burst of coughing followed her words.

  “I’d like that,” she said. Kimmie had no idea how drastically her life might change in the morning, but now wasn’t the time to tell her. She needed to sleep. “Let’s get you back to bed.”

  Kimmie slipped her tiny hand into hers with a trusting smile, and followed her to the guest room. Laurel was fast asleep, so Angela gave Kimmie some cough medicine, got her settled and stayed next to the bed until Kimmie fell asleep. Then she left, but instead of heading to her bedroom, she returned to the studio.